Virtual FFS (an announcement)

I absolutely hate having my photograph taken. In fact, I’d say it’s verging on a pathological fear of my own captured image. Unfortunately I cannot claim any logical reason for this, nor is my excuse anything cool, such as, “I believe the camera captures a part of my soul in the photograph.” No, my hesitancy is purely vanity. In photos, I not only identify every last ounce of masculinity in my features (even in parts of my body not captured on film—surely a sign of pathology), but I also cannot see any beauty in my own image. That’s not to say I cannot find beauty in myself at all—I can see plenty of sweet, sweet hotness when I look in the mirror. But it’s never there on film (or rather it’s very scarcely there).
I’ve been told one potential reason for this has to do with a reflected image. We look at ourselves in mirrors: reflections of our true form. We get so used to this perspective that when we see ourselves on film we cannot help but feel there is something wrong or different. In photos we see what the rest of the world sees, that is the mirror of our reflection. It’s why I never felt my photos captured the real me. I’ve been living in a parallel world—a mirrored reality.
But photo vs. mirror doesn’t have much to do with what I want to announce. I’ve looked myself over in the mirror loads of times, and while I feel hot (or sexy or pretty, what have you) I still don’t feel completely content in my appearance. If you’ve know me for any real length of time, you’re probably aware I have a distinct fascination with facial feminization surgery (FFS); indeed, I’ve been considering getting several procedures done for quite some time now. The main things holding me back (aside from the considerable, and currently prohibitive, cost) were doubts of whether or not the surgery would make me happy. I am well aware that if cost no concern and if we had the technology, I would gladly exchange my face and body for another. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and on a genetic level redesign everything about my physical appearance (which, as a geneticist, I know genes aren’t everything). I’ve fallen into the trap set for women in the post-industrial world: magazines, advertisements, TV shows all telling us we are not slim enough, pretty enough, and (in the case of trans women) not feminine enough. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this and attempt to accept my own appearance. Now, I’m back at that old crossroads: to FFS, or not to FFS. That is the question (and who knows what dreams may come on the other side of that surgery ward?).
Imagining what I may look like simply feminized—and not as a completely alternate version of my physical self—I feel that FFS may, indeed, be a procedure that would make me a happier person. This is not about “passability” or about vanity per se. It’s got everything to do with having the most possible comfort in my own appearance. Thus brings me to Virtual FFS. I’m sure many of you are aware of the website, www.virtualffs.co.uk, where for around $90 US you ca have your photograph digitally feminized in order to give you some idea of what you could expect from FFS. To help me decide whether or not I actually want to bite the $40K bullet and feminize my visage, I will first employ the services of Virtual FFS, and as a special bonus to you, I will also post the results of the Virtual FFS here on my blog (lucky you!).
This, of course, means I need to get over my fear of having my photo taken…
God help me.