A boy. A goddamn mother fucking boy. Fuck. Why do I still feel this way NOW! After all this time--after all I've gone through--why do I STILL feel like a goddamn boy? Jesus fucking Christ...take a deep breathe. It's a screaming confusion, as though this disconnection was waiting patiently for attention, and now, after years of neglect, it rips through everything else, loudly baying:
I feel like a boy.
Before you get any assumptions, let me clarify: I am a girl. Or, at least I think I am. Intellectually...accademically...I'm a girl--no doubt. Physically? Mentally? Ah, man, I'm a fucking mess. It gets confusing. Half the time I feel so disconnected from my gender, as though I'm an agendered being--some sort of blank slate: neither man nor woman nor any third (or fourth) category. The other half of the time, I feel (well) like a boy. A boy. Heh, yeah...I thought I was done with this. Maybe I'm too much of a dyke-tomboy. I dunno. Why is it that when I'm around guys I feel like "one of the guys," and when I'm with girls I feel big and clunky, bulky and awkward? Why can't I relate to myself as a girl? This is like some mirror-land gender dysphoria.
I'm getting so sick of all these fairy tale stories of someone transitioning smoothly--folks who just took to it all like fish to water, put on that skirt and *poof* you're you and life is grand--you finally get to be your true self. Yeah, fuck you. (OK, I don't really mean that, but I cannot take your optimism right now. It's toxic...like I'm defective for not being able to relate to myself as a girl as quickly, or because I cannot just merge seamlessly into feminine expression. Fuck the optimists--consider this the yin to your yang). I have that poisonous voice of the archetypal HBS woman, saying, "Your difficulty is because you're not a 'true transsexual.' You're a crossdresser/fetishist/etc." Damn right I'm not a 'true transsexual'--I'm a girl.
I think.
I really hate posting something so angsty like this. It makes me feel like a grungy little teenager again, bitching about how tragic life is and how "no one feels like I feel." I'm not singing "Behind Blue Eyes"; I'm certain I'm not the first person stuck in this middle-ground transgender state. It's limbo, not knowing what the fuck you are because your outsides only partially match your insides, and your insiders are inhibited by some unknown barriers...it's a feeling so reminiscent to the old days before I knew the word "transsexual"--it's so similar, yet it's also a world apart.
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Goddamnit, Sonia, this post is a fucking breath of fresh fucking air. Understand what I'm saying?
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. My transition was a motherfucker to get through, and even the joy of living "full time" is tethered with constant reminders of some little fuckwad of a voice telling me, "See? You still look like a man, so you must be."
You, me, and I bet 99 percent of the rest of us who had to go through this struggle feeling this way at times. So you've got angst, now you're bitching about it. I'm glad.
I cursed for effect. I love you, beotch. Now go curse some more. I'll see you when you find your center again. I'll keep the light on for you ;)
And the crowd of us castaways stuck in the middle of Transgender Isle welcome you with open arms!
ReplyDeleteYes, the middle ground sucks!
I feel like this so much too at the moment. Especially while away in this male dominated atmosphere. I feel weird, different, fake, like I'm reverting to old patterns, somewhere in-between.
ReplyDeletePeople say it will pass with time... though mostly cis allys, who I think assume that it's like breaking your leg... I don't know.
I guess just *hugs* -- I hope both of us feel better.
Hehehe, yeah, Lori. I swear a little bit in this one. And, yeah, in real life I am pretty partial to saying, "fuck"--but in this post I carfeully weighed each profanity and instance of blasphemy/"taking god's name in vain," and I feel like each one is 100% warranted.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the support and understanding. This sucks, feeling like you're stuck in a time warp, still dealing with gender dysphoria, even post-surgery.
Rage more.